Mylar's Journal

[Mylar Tyrmitore]

*The contents of this journal pertain to Mylar's thoughts and some events after her departure from Spiritwood with Mitre in early July 2016*

[Mylar Tyrmitore]

I suppose I had always assumed, given my situation, that I would be barren. So the idea that I'm not; that there is truly a child growing within me, is both exhilarating and frightening. Will it be a boy or girl? Human,  or half elven, like myself? Who will it resemble more?

But... am I really ready for such a responsibility? To have another so completely dependant upon me? I still have so many issues to sort through and questions about myself that need answers... can I really hope to raise the child properly when I've made so many mistakes in my own life?

And what of our current situation? Did I make the right choice in leaving? Is this really the safest option? I feel Mitre would do what he can to keep us safe,  but would it have been better to remain back in Spiritwood? What if something goes wrong?

I need to discuss this with Mitre...

~~~~~~~

I spoke with Mitre about my concerns, and he told me I'd do fine... He also pointed out that there are those less capable who have done it, which I guess is a good point.

He tells me that coming with him was my choice, and that there's nothing left for me in Spiritwood. While part of me wants to believe that, I don't feel as sure of things as he does. But I guess it's pointless to worry about something I can't change. At least we're together, and for the time being, safe and content. There's little more I could ask for right now.

[Mylar Tyrmitore]

I spent some time today thinking about Katalin and Rhys. I had never intended them to come to harm. We had tried time and again to solve things peacefully between the Guild and Spiritwood Rangers, but our efforts were refused.

In Katalin's case, I don't know if anything could have prevented what came to pass. We were unaware of Hawkins' associations... we weren't expecting things to escalate so quickly. And what could I have done, regardless? I was having trouble keeping myself standing, let alone... Yet by association I carry blame.

Then there's the case of Rhys. For his death I do feel some guilt, however... what was I supposed to do? What would have been the right choice? Should I have put myself between him and Mitre? It was either that or obey my oath. And breaking my oath is one thing I have been reprimanded for time and again. I still don't know if I made the right choice, but I did what I had been told repeatedly that I had done wrong in the past. I stuck to my oath. I didn't put myself between them.

However, I did try to spare Rhys' life by offering an alternative. I tried to buy some time so a better solution could be found. But when Rhys refused this alternative, I was unsure what else to do. And now his death is on my hands as well.

Yet I also feel that one, if not both of these senseless deaths could have been prevented had the Spiritwood Rangers not pushed us into a corner. We had been trying to resolve things fairly peacefully,  but they forced our hand by initiating conflict...

And for all the shit I took in response to their deaths... never once did I ever see anyone else at the cemetery. I was the one maintaining the graves and paying my respects to all of those there. Truly, the only time I ever saw someone else at the cemetery wasn't to visit the departed, but to try and blame me for it all. To try and make me feel inadequate and like I didn't care about anyone but myself.

That couldn't have been further from the truth.

But they don't know me. They don't know how I  feel. They don't know the guilt I carry with me every day.

[Mylar Tyrmitore]

Corinna. My supposed Keeper. The one who was supposed to help guide me along the path. I once looked up to her. But it seems all it took was one mistake to ruin that... She always sided against me; never listening to my concerns, and it made me feel helpless. I don't deny my mistakes or try to hide them, but she should never have allowed some of the others to treat me as they did. To her, I deserved the way they treated me. I deserved to be berated, humiliated, rejected and made to feel useless, weak.

I found myself growing increasingly bitter and resentful as time went on. And still she refused to listen to my concerns; claiming that they had the right to be upset with me. Being upset is one thing, but the treatment I received was inexcusable.

She did not act like a Keeper. There was no real guidance. There was only disapproval and punishment. It wasn't until after her death that she bothered to acknowledge her own failures, and by then it was too late to repair our relationship. My resentment had grown beyond her insincere apologies. I know they were insincere because immediately after offering them, she was once again voicing her disapproval of my choices, as though she thought I still cared about her opinions.

[Mylar Tyrmitore]

Sometimes I miss life in Spiritwood, but deep down I know that even if I did return, they'd never accept me back. They don't trust me, and to be honest, I doubt they ever did. They certainly never trusted my perspective on things.

I know I don't see things the way they do. Maybe it's because of how I was raised, or maybe it's because I'm, well, me. I'm not human, and not elven. I can relate to both races in my own way, but neither can relate to me. They couldn't possibly. Not that they ever tried.

Any time I tried to express a different view, I would be shut down. Wrong. Always wrong. My opinions would never even be considered. It was either theirs, or nothing. And when the conflict between the Spiritwood Rangers and the Rangers Guild came to a head, I even attempted to speak with Tobias, to try and understand his perspective so we could work on a peaceful solution... but no. Even then my attempts were rejected. According to them, I was only trying to find out what they knew to argue my own views, which wasn't at all true. Piper even suggested that she thought I might try to harm Tobias! That hurt me more than any physical wound ever could.

Never had I felt so despised. Never had I felt as isolated as they made me feel. Never had I felt so utterly alone. Never had I wanted to die as much as I did then.

I think that I'd have been fine with Tserim killing me, had Xuri not prevented it.

[Mylar Tyrmitore]

It's been months since I've written anything... I've been numb. Unwilling and unable to deal with the pain of the loss I've suffered. It's a pain more profound than anything I've ever known.

It was a frightening time... Much of what happened remains a blur of pain and medicine. I suppose thst my cries must have woken Mitre, though I don't recall being so loud. I remember him appearing at my side though, and he said something about coming back soon and that he'd make sure I was saved. I was so afraid that I didn't want him to leave...

Next thing I recall, he was beside me again, but there was someone else,  as well. My mind was in a haze then, but I later came to understand that it was a wandering healer that had luckily been in the area. He had me ingest something... it seemed to ease the pain a bit, but also made it difficult to recall what happened next.

The next several days are mostly fragments of memories. I must have been drifting in and out of sleep. The pain I was feeling seemed to intensify a bit more at first, but as time passed, I felt it begin to fade. I was able to rest easier. I still wasn't fully aware of what had actually happened,then... I felt so tired from the constant pain, and just wanted to sleep. I recall seeing Mitre nearby whenever I awoke, but I could gauge from his expression how serious things were.

Eventually there was nothing more the healer could do for me. It was in the final hours before his departure that I was finally told for certain that the child had been lost. At first, I cried. I'm not sure why... but it tore me apart emotionally. I was saddened, angry, scared... everything all at once, and then... nothing at all. It was as though I'd overwhelmed my body and it shut down emotionally. I went numb. For the longest time I just lay in bed, refusing to speak of it, or of anything, really...

Mitre told me we could try again once I've recovered, but... what if this happens again? Am I ready to take the risk...?

[Mylar Tyrmitore]

I asked Mitre if I could write to Tobias today... he said that I could, but that he would be gone by the time I returned.  He claimed it unsafe. I attempted to argue, but in the end, his reasoning won.

It's just been so long... I can't help but wonder what's going on in Spiritwood. I find myself wondering, mostly, how Tobias is doing. In a way I also kind of miss Tserim, but at the same time, I'm still angry about his attitude near the end of it all.

I feel bad not being able to let Tobias know that I'm alright and inform him of the loss of the child, but he probably doesn't really care anyway. I know Tserim wouldn't. I'd imagine they're doing quite well without me. Mitre has raised the question of whether or not so really had any friends left there... And honestly,  I couldn't say. I would  like to think I do, but... after all that's happened, it's not likely.

[Mylar Tyrmitore]

Perhaps Mitre is right. I am restless. Though not so much due to my age, as he suggested, than the fact that I feel useless. I want to help, but I don't know what to do, or if there's even anything I can do. He's told me before that I'm the one weakness he's permitted himself to have, and while I don't hold it against him... it sort of makes me feel like a burden. Like I'm simply something else that he has to worry about keeping safe, instead of someone who wants to help him.

This inaction bothers me. I know he's trying to learn more of the threat, and the peace of this place aids in that, but at the same time I feel the need to do something more. Perhaps I've become accustomed to being more proactive as a ranger... I don't know.  Regardless, I'm going stir crazy sitting around here...

I need to find something to occupy my time when Mitre is meditating or off on his walks... there's only so much training I can do before it becomes maddeningly mundane.

[Mylar Tyrmitore]

Today while out for a walk, memories of Silvara Winds crossed my mind... Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like had I joined her as a Shadow Ranger. I had seriously considered it at one point; one of those times where Gillian and Morrow were wearing on my patience.

I recall Silvara one day arriving at the gates of the outpost to speak to me... It's odd, really. Once we were enemies, but then we discovered a similarly shared experience; we had both fallen for a man. One we thought we could help change. While our paths diverged from this similar experience, she and I had reached a mutual understanding. We had formed a sort bond that no one else could comprehend. That day that she spoke to me at the gates, she invited me to join her. I almost said yes, but... well, to this day I'm not sure why I didn't. It couldn't have been any worse than spending even a single minute in the same room as Gillian.

But now she's gone; dead by her own hand, and I guess not so surprisingly,  it felt as though a piece of me had been ripped away the instant the blade pierced her body. A part of me died with her that day.

They always refused to believe when I said people could change and aspire to be better... No, I was just being naive and foolish... But they were the ones who were wrong. People can change. Silvara was proof. She may have lost her way, but with proper guidance and encouragement, I feel that she could have returned to the path that she had once abandoned.

But now she'll never have the chance to prove herself. Their inability to change their views helped lead to her death. It was their words that drove her over the edge of hopelessness and despair. Despite my pleas for her to keep fighting, I could see she had given up. My heart broke for her, as I too bear the scars of wanting to give up on life. In the end, her light was extinguished by the storm of negativity that surrounded her, as mine almost was on more than one occasion.

Silvara was my friend, and they killed her.

[Mylar Tyrmitore]

We've been here for several months, and I guess... I just assumed something would have happened by now. Some sort of progress, at least? Instead it's just been mostly the same routine day in and day out. Meditation, training, walks, reading... the only part of my days I really look forward to is spending some time with Mitre.

I'm trying to be patient... but I'm running out of ideas to occupy my time. I miss being around people. I miss the camaraderie, conversations, the stories, even the arguments to an extent. Surely all the time I spend talking to myself can't be healthy.

Anyway, I'm not sure what else to write at the moment, and Mitre's still off meditating, so I guess I need to find something to do for awhile longer.

I should have brought more books...