Alisiea's Journal

[Alisiea]

The journal is new, but not considered unique in its design. Something anyone could purchase at any provisioners shop for a few coins. The handwriting is childlike but neat with carefully formed letters and sentences.

[Alisiea]

I am frightened. Sometimes I think that maybe Celestia is not my child. But then I look in her eyes and know she is mine. But something is not right. She is growing to fast. Already she is as tall as a two-year old. The Mid-wife will not come back. She said that Celestia is cursed. I have heard stories about fairies. That the Fairies Folk sometimes steal human babies and replace them with their own. I do not know if this is true, but something is different about her. I know she is mine because when I look at her I can tell. But this is strange.

Today I sat on the front step of the forest house and watched as Celestia played in the grass. The sun was warm and bright and there were many birds singing. Celestia was picking blades of grass and looking at each one. Every now and then she would touch one to her tongue and smile. She likes to listen to birds singing. The sun was warm and sleepy. After a long time I called to her. She turned and smiled at me. Then she picked a tiny flower from the grass and to my surprise, she stood up, turned and walked towards me with little baby steps. I was not sure if this is what happens to babies so soon, but I was not sure what to do. When she reached me I caught her up in my arms and kissed her. Then she looked at the little flower she had picked and held it up to my face and said:

“Pretty.”

I am frightened. I must speak to Aingeal or maybe Faeryl or even Dominic, but Aingeal will not permit him to come to the house and that is fine, but I must find out if this is normal and if it is not I must find out what to do about it.

[Alisiea]

Today Celestia refused my breast. Instead she asked for solid food. Bread, cheese and vegetables. She is odd. She has grown yet again and the features of her face have matured. To a stranger she could be four of five years old. She speaks in sentences, but they are childlike in nature. Her eyes, however, see into me. She looks at me as if she knows all my secrets and smiles. There are times when she sits outside on the grass and stares into the forest. She sits like that for hours; just staring into the shadows. It is almost as if she is looking at memories or she is deep in thought.

I am at a loss as to how to explain this. I love her beyond words and I know when I look at her, she returns that love, but why is this happening? I have not seen or heard from the man who claims to be her true father. Does he know why this is happening? Or is it part of the prophesy? Part of the belief that Celesta is to save us all? I do not know. For now, all I can do is watch, wait and protect her as best I can. Tomorrow, I am sure, will hold new surprises and perhaps answers.

[Alisiea]

This morning the band of Elves came again. I am liking them, the way they treat Celestia as if they know her. They spend hours playing with her and sometimes they ask if they can take her with them when they go back to the woods. She is safe with them and I do not worry when she is with them.

Their leader has been teaching me archery and says I have a natural ability. I am liking this.

I do not know why Judas yells at me so. I have tired very hard to do what is right but he is always angry with me. He thinks I am afraid because I run away, but I am not afraid. I feel like all my friends are in danger because of me so if I leave they will be safe. He says we must stick together if we are to win. I will try to remember that when the time comes to face the daemons, but for now I must think only of Celestia.

I am happy I gave birth to her... she is so special and different. She will be a very fine person when she is older. I hope I am alive to see that.

[Alisiea]

Celestia has grown yet again. Every morning when I awake I do not know what I will find. Some days she is an infant. Other days she is a grown woman. Some days she speaks nonsense. Other days her words make sense. Today she stood at the forests edge and stared into the gloom for hours. When I went to fetch her she turned to me. Her eyes were distant but she said in a clear voice.

“Mondain … has come. Find…lost… gem. Many battles… fought … lost … taken … turned.”

I caught her up in my arms and carried her back to the house. We ate together then lay down before the hearth and she slept while I held her. She is so sweet, so loving. I know that, as long as I am alive, nothing will harm her. This is a good place to be. Quite, safe and with many friends keeping watch.

[Alisiea]

This morning, as Celestia and I were playing in the garden. As she followed the flight of a Monarch butterfly flitting from flower to flower, a Mongbat entered the meadow from the shadows of the forest. Before I could take up my bow, Celestia had run out into the yard towards the foul little creature. I cried out;

"Celestia, no! Do not go near that creature."

But my warning was ignored. She paused as the Mongbat snarled and spread its wings. It flashed its fangs at her and drew closer. Quickly I took up my bow and nocked an arrow, but before I could bring it to aim, Celestia had recognized the danger. I could not make out the words she spoke but she raised her tiny arms to the sky and in a flash; brought down a lightning bolt upon the beast. In a shriek of agony the Mongbat was struck and killed. Celesta strode over to the smoldering carcass and looked down at with with a curious smile. Then she turned to me and grinned.

"Bad thing gone now mommy," she called.

I could only nod in silent astonishment.

[Alisiea]

I do not like what is happening. Last night we killed Orcs and that was fine…but I no longer feel comfortable with my friends anymore. Some of them are new and I don’t know them but even Jolicia and Aingeal don’t talk to me like they used to. I do not know why. Is it because I was gone from them so long? Is it because I ran away? I am not a coward. I faced the Lady in White in my dreams. Do they hate me because of her? Sometimes I wish I had never met Judas and never had gone to Ashencrosse. I did not have to worry about others back then. I was free to do as I pleased. Now I have “responsibilities.” I am trying, I really am, but everything I do seems to be wrong. Now, after being happy that I was carrying Paine’s child, I find out she is not Paine’s child. I am stupid. Just because I can read and write does not mean anything. And they wonder why I run away. Who would not run away if they were made to feel that all this trouble was their fault?

I watch them. Jo and Judas, Demi and Scar and the others who are together. Am I no good for a man anymore? Is it because I have been used? I am pretty. I have a strong body. Maybe I should have wed Gaius when he asked, but now even he is gone so it would have been the same. I do not LIKE being alone; not anymore.

Dominic wants to meet Celestia. Fine. He says she knows everything about me and about him. That she remembers everything that had ever happened to him and me. She is truly odd but at the same time, truly special. Nothing is turning out the way I wanted it to. I want a house where Cel and I can live. Where we can close the doors and not worry about daemons hunting us or people hating us. I want to go back to when I could dance for coin or ale. I want to go back to when I didn’t know all this stuff about the world, before Draven, before my mother disappeared.

But I can’t. Everything has changed. I will never be a proper lady. I might as well be dead. If I killed the Lady myself, would that change things? If I faced her alone in battle, would that make everything right? Is that what Judas meant when he asked me what I was going to do about it? About them having dreams? If this is truly my fault, then is it up to me to make it right? Is that not the best meaning of “responsibility”? If I am responsible for all this trouble, then must it be me who makes it right?

I am not afraid. But even if I did kill her, what then? Would the danger stop? Would the dreams stop? Would it prove to my friends that I really cared about them? Would it prove anything? Or would I die for nothing? Would it only prove that I am just a stupid Gypsy girl and nothing would change? No, sooner or later there will be a reckoning. Sooner or later I will have to answer for my mistakes and when that day comes there will be nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide.

Celestia is so beautiful. How the sun plays through her hair. How her eyes see into everything. I watch how the Elves look at her. How they seem to care for her. I do not know what my "friends" would do for her If I were to die. Would they look after her or would they hate her for being my child and just use her like a tool to save themselves? I don't know anything about anyone anymore. I would like to think Celestia would be looked after. She is spending more time with the Elves and they seem to come around more often. I am comforted by this and I am not afraid.

[Alisiea]

Celestia was restless in her sleep last night. We slept on the hearth before the fire and she kept moving her hands as if casting spells. She moaned and whispered something I could not make out. Then she woke and I held her in my arms for a long while before she spoke.

"Mommy?" She asked.

"Yes, my sweet?"

"How old am I?"

At first I could not answer. Dare not answer for how does one answer such a question from a child such as she?

"You are very young, my love, just a child with her whole life spread out before her. You will descover many wonderous things and learn many, many secrets before you are old."

For a long while we lay together breathing as one and listening to the crackle of the fire. Then from her tiny lips I heard;

"Then why mommy, do I sometimes feel so very, very old?"

[Alisiea]

I hate them but I hate her most of all. They treat me like trash. Talk to me as if I were stupid. Even say as much to my face. I am nothing but the "vessel" that delivered to them their instrument of salvation in the form of my daughter. She is nothing to them but a means to an end.

Do they think I am not aware of the danger? That I don't know how they suffer with their dreams? That I don't know how important Celestia is? But she is not a tool. She is a little girl who is confused and she is my daughter. Do they think I will just stand aside and let them take her? I am more than willing for Cel to fulfill her destiny when she is ready, but they want me to deliver her up now so they can give her to someone who will "train" her. Who? Who will they give her to and how will they treat her?

I will die for this child and when the time comes I will deliver her, but not before I have more time with her to prepare her and to enjoy her before it is too late. Aye, I will deliver Celestia to them and then I am done with them. Done with Judas, done with all of them, but I am especially done with her.

I will not forget this day Jolicia and I will never forget your words.

[Alisiea]

Early this morning I rose and gathered up Celestia and traveled the short distance to the Wood Elves encampment. With En`Ethnar’s help I attempted to explain to Cel what was happening to her and what the future might hold. I wept for she seemed so confused and a more than a little frightened. We took our time and let her wander about the camp and surrounding forest. I know her mind is filled with images and memories she cannot yet interpret or understand, but I think she is beginning to see what must be done. At times she would sit and stare off at nothing. Her lips would move as if she were having a conversation with some, as yet, unseen person or persons. Other times she would laugh and prance about as the Elves played music and sang. She would cast minor spells and giggle with delight as they formed then vanished. She would make herself invisible then suddenly appear out of nowhere to startle anyone passing by. As the day wore on she would nap and I would go into the forest and run. Run off my anger. Run until my legs ached. Upon my return, we would begin again.

We are back at the Forest house. It is evening and the air is quiet. Celestia is abed and sleeping peacefully. Tomorrow we will start again.

[Alisiea]

Celestia and I returned to Aingeal’s cottage today after a week in the forest with En’ethnar and his people. She has grown yet again and seems better able to focus although she still sometimes behaves like a small child and say things that have no real meaning to those around her. I cannot begin to understand what might be going through her mind, but she is sometimes so sweet as to wonder if all of this is real. I have no idea what her future holds, but I will not stand in the way of her destiny. I cannot stand in her way.

In a day or so I will take her to meet with Judas and the others. What happens after that is not for me to say or even guess at.

[Alisiea]

I feel more and more distant from the people I know. As each day passes and I watch how Celestia changes from one hour to the next I feel as if I am in a boat drifting away from the shore. A shore I cannot get back to. I no longer feel like dancing and even the taste of ale sours on my tongue.

The world is changing. I am changing.

Soon I fear Celestia will no longer need me as her mother. She will no longer recognize me as such. Already I see her moving apart from me as if she has discovered a strange new path to follow where only she can go. Visions only she can understand.

All those years I spent wandering the land alone, dancing for my keep, being taken in by strangers. All those years alone yet never before have I felt so lonely, so apart from life as I do now.

Perhaps it is time for me to wander the lands again. On my own, free to dance once more for my keep. Free to let the world shift and turn as it may. Perhaps my destiny does not lie here, but lies elsewhere ... out there ... out there somewhere.

I will hug and kiss my beautiful daughter once more. Then I will place her in the care of Aingeal and the others for she is no longer mine. Her destiny does not lie with me nor mine with hers. I see that now.

En'ethnar and his people are leaving for their summer home in the far mountains. He has offered to let me travel with them, live with them for a time if I so wish. Perhaps I will if only for a little while.